Secret Weapons For Wounded Healers
In my blog post, How To Be A Shaman, I mentioned that Shamans know how to work with all different kinds of people. Those who think with their heart, their gut, or their head.
The question has been stirring in me since; how do you work with people who think differently from you?
I am so tired of people giving advice like their way is the best or only way. It’s like we’re all different species of animals, and you have lions trying to teach elephants how to cross a river. But the lion’s way of crossing a river is going to be completely different. Not better, not worse, just different.
It reminds me of the quote…
If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
The world is semi-full of rarer personality types, like INFJs, who believe that they are broken or wrong because they can’t get across the river. When really, it’s just that no one has explained it to us in a language that we can understand.
And that’s how I think of the 16 MBTI personality types. We all speak 16 different languages, and some of those languages are more widespread or better known than others. And being a master healer means knowing how to speak them all, at least a little bit. It also means that we need to stop listening to lions who don’t speak elephant.
Emotions are magic and words are spells, and when you know the right words to use, you can manipulate energy. Words are the Jedi mind tricks that you need to break through to other people. That applies to helping them, and it also applies to how we defend ourselves. That’s why words are every healer’s secret weapon.
Since these personality differences are invisible, it may be hard to know what species (MBTI type) someone is, so I’ll start with the larger families of traits which are easier to identify.
Head people:
At their best: Analytical, logical, philosophical, insightful
At their worst: Slow-acting, cold, aloof
How to communicate with head people:
Let them talk first, but cut them off if they take too long.
Try to move them away from theories towards reality (it doesn’t matter what should work, it matters what does work).
Be patient and move slowly. Don’t ask for too many changes too fast.
Help them connect to their emotions instead of over-analyzing.
Compliment them on their intellect and ideas.
Give them a lot of instructions and structure.
Help nurture gut (taking action) and heart activities (music and art).
Have them take a break from their problems to focus on something else.
Heart people:
At their best: Perceptive, quick, expressive, inspirational
At their worst: Irrational, subjective, overly sentimental
How to communicate with heart people:
Let them express their feelings first. Then gradually move them towards objectivity.
Focus on grounding the lower part of their bodies. Get them to activate their legs and feet.
Don’t use too much structure. Have them dedicate scheduled time for things without focusing on deadlines.
Trust their instincts, even if they can’t explain them.
Communicate through metaphors.
Have them describe exactly what happened to keep them from over-dramatizing.
Help them re-frame problems into challenges.
Help them find balance with exercise or dance (gut) and learning (head) activities.
Gut people:
At their best: Coordinated, active, athletic, instinctual
At their worst: Impulsive, wild, oblivious
How to communicate with gut people:
Approach them in places where they have a lot of space to move, not in a cramped room.
Get them to use their bodies while you are teaching them. They learn best kinesthetically.
Compliment them on their athleticism and spontaneity.
Get them to recall their physical sensations first. Then connect those sensations to thoughts and emotions.
Help them learn foresight by asking them to talk through problems and predict outcomes before acting.
Integrate their heart with things like listening to music and their head with things like having them read.
As people heal over time, their heart, gut, and head should become more in balance. People who are fully integrated are versatile, physically active and skilled at intellect and arts.
If you want to hone this approach even farther, you can look more closely at the specific personality type you’re working with.
For example, INFJs and INFPs are both deep feelers who tend to have very similar experiences of the world, but INFJs tend to get stuck in over-thinking, and INFPs get stuck in over-feeling. And the strategies for getting unstuck are completely different.
⚔️ INFJ.
INFJs want to be original and mysterious, but they are also tired of being misunderstood. They have a tendency to be perfectionistic and idealistic, but may struggle with accepting reality and letting go of unrealistic expectations. They consider themselves perceptive, but they also struggle to observe sensory information. When they finally stop hiding their weirdness, INFJs will learn that they’re not as lonely as they feel. INFJ personality types are experts at making sense of abstract ideas and predicting the future.
At their best, INFJs are adaptable, deep, focused, understanding, and charming. But they care so much about getting along with everyone else that they can also seem fake or manipulative. INFJs prefer to make decisions based on what other people value, but they will thrive when they stop caring about making other people uncomfortable and when they set more realistic standards for themselves and others. With practice, they can stop worrying about the future and learn to enjoy the present moment.
INFJ personality types tend to get stuck in overthinking. The secret weapon for getting out of this loop is to talk about their feelings, stop analyzing other people and start analyzing themselves.
⚔️ INFP.
INFPs are unique and enigmatic, but suffer from feeling judged. They strive to be open-minded, but they might also vilify people who have different values. INFPs can become great leaders when they learn to finally accept feedback from others.
INFP personality types are deep and emotional with a strong conviction to their vision and values, but they need to balance their idealistic dreams with realistic expectations. They can also become so focused on their values that they neglect the needs of others. To overcome their fear of judgment, INFPs need to peacefully disengage with people of different values instead of falling into despair.
At their best, INFPs are dedicated, independent, interesting, innovative, creative, and paradoxical. At their worst, they are self-deprecating, selfish, and defensive. INFPs have a strong internal compass, but they need to learn to balance this by accepting outside input from people they trust and care about.
INFP personality types tend to get stuck in their feelings. The secret weapon for getting out of these loops of depression is to let go of the past by thinking about new possibilities.
⚔️ ESFP.
ESFPs are experts at disrupting the norm. They love to make everyone laugh, but hate when people don’t take them seriously. They consider themselves pragmatic, yet don’t think about the long-term consequences of their decisions. As passionate people, if they can focus that passion on important things that they care about, it will propel them through difficulty.
At their best, ESFPs are fun, bold, content, popular, and enthusiastic. At their worst, they are chaotic, irresponsible, superstitious, nonsensical, and attention-seeking. To find balance, ESFPs can take a break from the spotlight by showering their attention onto others. ESFPs can also tap into their true potential by learning to reflect on their mistakes, paying attention to why certain things are happening, and making more value-based choices. ESFPs will thrive when they learn to stop chasing new experiences and start planning for the future.
ESFP personality types tend to get stuck in acting without thinking about consequences. The secret weapon for getting out of these loops of self-destruction is to relax and self-reflect.
⚔️ ENFP.
ENFPs love to have fun, but hate when no one respects them. They consider themselves open-minded, but ignore new ideas that seem boring. Their appetite for endless possibilities means they can have trouble finding direction. They can overcome this by choosing one path, but looking for unique opportunities within it.
At their best, ENFPs are spontaneous, fun, exploratory, full of surprises and never boring. At their worst, ENFPs can seem thoughtless, irresponsible, lazy, unpredictable, and destructive. ENFPs will thrive if they can learn not to push people too hard in joining their activities, and that making plans ahead of time can help the people they care about feel appreciated. ENFPs love chasing new ideas but struggle to start implementing them. To find balance, ENFPs need to learn to take more time before making changes or decisions, to choose routines that will guide them towards their goals, and to stop acting like they’re above tasks that aren’t fun.
ENFP personality types get overwhelmed by having too many ideas to act on. The secret weapon for ENFPs is to quiet their mind, get their ideas more organized, and prioritize their projects around their personal values.
⚔️ ENTJ.
ENTJs want to be idolized, but hate seeking attention. They believe that they are objective and logical, but by ignoring emotions, they fail to logically prioritize happiness. ENTJs give practical advice but often come across as tactless. They can build better relationships when they use their skills at planning to bring people together, when they practice being constructive instead of critical, and when they can be more patient in explaining things to others.
At their best, ENTJs are resourceful leaders and great at getting results. At their worst, ENTJs are competitive, arrogant, insensitive, and selfish. They can find balance by learning humility and letting go of the need for certainty. Sometimes, ENTJs are so focused on building teams that they forget to focus on what works best for themselves. It’s good for them to practice making decisions based on what matters to them, and by slowing down to figure out who they are.
ENTJ personality types get stuck when they become overly aggressive and focused on the end result. Their secret weapon will be spending time alone with their thoughts.
⚔️ ENFJ.
ENFJs are warm, but they also have a sharp logical side. They want to be recognized, but hate seeking approval from others. They like to be supportive, yet they avoid giving criticism that could be helpful. ENFJs will thrive when they stop trying to fix the world and focus on what has the most value for them.
At their best, ENFJs are persuasive, helpful, and great at building camaraderie. At their worst, they are resentful, invasive, and smothering. To find balance, ENFJs need to stop worrying about everyone else’s opinion and devote their time to the people who are most important to them. They also accomplish the most when they network with other people.
ENFJ personality types get stuck when they become overly materialistic, self-conscious of their image, and seek too much validation from others. The secret weapon for escaping this loop is to spend time alone doing things they enjoy.
⚔️ ESTP.
ESTPs are experts at exploring new possibilities and disrupting the norm. They consider themselves pragmatic, but don't think about the long-term implications of their decisions. They will thrive when they can point their ability to act in a meaningful direction and when they can slow down enough to find meaning and purpose in their lives.
At their best, ESTPs are popular, cool, exhilarating, competitive, and fearless. At their worst, they are aloof, reckless, chaotic, and projecting. To find balance, ESTPs need to practice mindfulness, to be more approachable, to focus on the causes of their problems, and to predict consequences before they act.
When ESTP personality types get stuck without a clear direction, they will try to reshuffle the deck by causing havoc. They also become overly focused on looking impressive to others. The secret weapon for ESTPs is to spend time alone on activities like reading or doing puzzles.
⚔️ ENTP.
ENTPs consider themselves to be open minded, but ignore new ideas that seem boring. They are experts at brainstorming interesting ideas, but they struggle with chasing new ideas instead of stopping to implement them.
At their best, ENTPs are funny, spontaneous, and experimental. At their worst, they are forgetful, critical, instigative, and neglectful. ENTPs will get more support for their ideas when they show how it ultimately helps people. They will thrive when they learn to be more selective about when to debate things, and when they stop worrying about a specific routine and do what works best for them- especially when that includes giving attention to the people that they care about.
When ENTP personality types get stuck seeking approval and doubting their choices, they need to focus inward, analyze the situation without outside opinions, and trust their own judgment.
⚔️ ISFP.
ISFPs like to think they’re open minded, but also vilify people with different values.
At their best, ISFPs are alluring, creative, passionate, and unapologetically themselves. At their worst, ISFPs are impulsive, obsessed, defensive, and close-minded. They can find balance by showing curiosity in the interests of the people they care about, and by accepting people who have different beliefs as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. They will thrive when they learn to pick and choose criticism that is helpful, and when they are open to exploring outside of their current interests.
When ISFP personality types get stuck, they obsess too much about the future, which makes them anxious and emotional. The secret weapon for escaping this trap is to come back to the present by doing something physical, like getting outside and exploring nature.
⚔️ ISTP.
ISTPs want to be fair and objective, but ignore feeling-based perspectives. At their best, ISTPs are practical, inventive, and good at solving problems. At their worst, ISTPs are rude, boring, distant, passive-aggressive, and overconfident. They are surprisingly creative when they are able to improvise in the moment.
ISTP personality types can find balance by swallowing their pride, being open to new ideas, and exploring new topics. They will have better relationships when they get more comfortable expressing their emotions and when they can be more considerate of others.
When ISTP personality types get stuck, they lose faith in their ability to get things done and become paranoid about possible outcomes. They will over-analyze in an attempt to assuage their fears. The secret weapon that ISTPs can use to break free is to focus on taking action in a way that engages their senses.
⚔️ INTP.
INTP personality types want to be loved, fair, and objective, but reject emotions. The world needs INTPs to share their knowledge, it just needs to be delivered in a gentle way.
At their best, INTPs are philosophical, intelligent, eccentric, and amusing. At their worst, INTPs are arrogant, impatient, and cynical. INTPs will thrive when they understand that emotional problems cannot be solved with logic, and when they can be patient with people who don’t have the same knowledge as them. Once INTPs learn to understand what people care about, they can communicate the value of their ideas.
When INTP personality types get stuck, they will over-analyze and idealize the past. They can break out of this loop by exploring new possibilities. The secret weapon of visiting a new place or trying a new hobby will help INTPs focus on the future.
⚔️ INTJ.
INTJ personality types want deep relationships, but are uncomfortable with emotions. They are also highly perceptive of patterns, but struggle to perceive the world around them.
At their best, INTJs are stoic, efficient, mysterious, and intriguing. At their worst, they are awkward, plotting, manipulative, and apathetic. INTJs will thrive when they realize some of their best ideas happen while they’re relaxing and having fun in the present. They can find balance by pausing to gather new information that challenges their predictions. And they can find confidence by finding purpose in their goals instead of trying to appeal to others.
When INTJs are stuck, their emotions and internal values distract them from logic and reason. This can make them reclusive, impulsive, or fearful of making decisions at all. The secret weapon for INTJs is to express their theories and ideas out loud.
⚔️ ESTJ.
ESTJs love to change other people’s minds, but hate change. They are so objective and logical that they tend to devalue feelings, which can actually lead to illogical decisions. At their best, ESTJs are hardworking, relentless, effective, and funny. At their worst, they are defensive, rude, bossy, and impatient.
ESTJs will accomplish more when they develop more patience, when they learn to turn off work mode, and when they learn to be sensitive to other people’s emotions. They can get so focused on building teams that they forget to focus on what works best for them. ESTJs need help looking at their values, learning who they are, and accepting their emotions even if it feels irrational.
When ESTJs get stuck, they become more chaotic and less grounded than usual. They might struggle with narrowing their ideas down, and become too worried about others' opinions. The secret weapon for ESTJs is to focus on what has worked best in the past.
⚔️ ISTJ.
ISTJs want to change other people’s minds even though they dislike change themselves. They consider themselves grounded, yet they reject new ideas even if they make logical sense.
At their best, ISTJs are reliable, meticulous, and direct. At their worst, they are cold, controlling, and rigid. ISTJs can learn to embrace change by looking for ways to bring order to chaos. They reject information and curiosity because it feels out of control, but they will thrive when they can learn to be more flexible, especially with their loved ones. If ISTJs don’t learn to be open to new ideas, they will eventually regret not experimenting with more opportunities.
When ISTJs get stuck, they lose focus on logic and ruminate on all of their past failures. This paralyzes them from moving forward or trying anything new. The secret weapon that will help ISTJs escape this loop is to research the facts.
⚔️ ISFJ.
ISFJs love being told what to do, but don’t like telling other people what to do. They strive to be grounded, but they ignore new, logical ideas for the sake of what’s familiar. At their best, ISFJs are supportive, protective, and nurturing. At their worst, ISFJs are self-abandoning, paranoid, and gullible.
ISFJs will thrive when they learn that sometimes the best way to resolve problems is to face conflict. They need help gaining the confidence to prevent problems instead of waiting for them to happen, and in cultivating an identity that is separate from their loved ones. They can rely too much on their routine and struggle to be more spontaneous.
When ISFJs get stuck, they become obsessed with analyzing the past in an attempt to understand what went wrong. The secret weapon the need to break free of this rut is to connect emotionally with others.
⚔️ ESFJ.
ESFJs are experts at making sure everyone else is enjoying themselves. They want direction, but don’t like giving it to others. And even though they want to be supportive, they also avoid giving criticism that could be helpful.
At their best, ESFJs are tactical, engaging, and fun. At their worst, they are invasive, fickle, judgemental, and dramatic. ESFJs will thrive when they learn to focus on what’s best for them instead of making everyone else happy, and when they ask permission to help others instead of forcing it on to people.
ESFJs get stuck when they stretch themselves too thin and over-give to everyone around them. The secret weapon to get out of this loop is to return to old habits they find comforting.
If none of that works… try reverse psychology. May the force be with you.
