A Letter To The Women
All the best women I know are single.
They're smart, caring, strong, bold, beautiful, funny, successful, and alone. It's not for lack of trying- they have spent buckets of money and even more time working to be the best possible version of themselves and the best possible partner they can be. These women are better men than the men I know. And the only thing they're doing wrong is that they're doing everything right.
When their relationships end, my female friends look at their mistakes, they reflect, and they grow.
Meanwhile, the men look for a perfect woman who is a better match. Someone who doesn't exist.
If being a good girl hasn't worked out for us, why are we still doing it?
It doesn't matter what should work. It matters what does work. So here's the truth about men and women that everyone is afraid to say. It's time to do the opposite.
Women have been conditioned from birth to be nice instead of kind and to respond to problems by internalizing them instead of getting angry. Society has lied to men and to us because to be kind, you have to let men suffer. To be kind, you have to be ruthless.
They will never tell you this, but real men want a challenge. To separate the men from the boys, you have to raise the stakes. Men are entranced by women who don't suffer fools, even if that fool is them.
So if you want to galvanize a new era of men, stop falling in love with potential and stop fucking guys who don't deserve it. Because resting in the bowl of our sacrum is the portal to exquisite pleasure, the seeds of creation, and the key to unborn life.
No reverence is given to all the wild and beautiful and raw and magic things that being a woman really means because our rituals are missing. The way women are ushered into adulthood is jarring. We sit in sex ed class while a teacher tells us all the reasons it sucks to be a woman. Our childhood is robbed from us while we learn about all the daunting things we are about to face in our transitions.
But you are the product of millions of years of evolution. Countless generations of women have relayed their DNA through history to this precise and pivotal moment of reckoning. Goddesses who have fought and screamed and danced and fucked and sang and birthed and cried their way through endless passages of time are alive in your bones. Your body is sensual, instinctual, and sacred. And it's time everybody started acting like it.
I am sick of watching my friends waste their precious energy on mediocre men, for there is truly an endless supply. And the dating pool is full of them.
Steve ate his date's dessert while she was in the bathroom.
Gary says he fell in love with someone but still uses Tinder because "he's addicted to the swipe."
Tom convinced Jessica to keep their relationship open and then got mad when she went on a date.
Ben went to Las Vegas with Viagra and without his girlfriend.
Marcelo coerced his very young, naive dream girl to have a threesome, and now he's devastated and confused as to why their relationship fell apart.
Greg's girlfriend found fucked up messages on his phone, and then he shamed her for not trusting him.
Brandon tells Matches he's looking for a traditional wife. When they say they want a traditional husband, he calls them gold-diggers.
Joe pushes away women who respect his constant need for space and then dates the first woman who bulldozes through his boundaries.
Keith spent the whole date talking about his ex-girlfriend and then asked for a second date to talk through it some more.
Casey lied about his desire and intention to live as a woman to get a heterosexual woman to like him.
Nick invited his date to a picnic and then asked her to bring the food.
We are not asking for too much. We are asking the wrong people.
These are not men. These are boys and sometimes women. These people are single for a reason, and these stories are not rare.
Women tolerate this behavior because we are afraid of being victimized by time. Time lost, time invested, time spent starting over. When men value us for our youthful beauty or our ability to bear children, time becomes the noose with which we hang ourselves.
To get our power back, we have to stop giving a fuck about time. Because there is no woman more beautiful and impervious to age than one who has found peace in knowing she has nothing to lose. At least nothing worth keeping.
The tide is slowly turning, and women are starting to learn just how deliciously hedonistic being alone can be. And that raising our children by ourselves is way more peaceful than raising a husband along with them.
Men might think they want good girls, but they don't respect good girls. This means it's time to forsake our sweet, innocent conditioning and reclaim the full spectrum of our power. We have to wield our dark feminine energy like a sword. Because the truth is, men have no idea what the fuck they want or need. And to invoke loyalty, you also have to invoke fear.
At their cores, these vast swaths of single lonely men can't connect because they have attachment trauma, but they're too weak and avoidant to look deep enough to see, much less heal it. It's not their fault; they were raised this way. But we are powerless to compensate for the sins of their mothers. And when we care more about their baggage than they do, we rob them of the opportunity to feel the weight of it. The only choice left is to drop-kick their misplaced bullshit back to them. It's such a boring, played-out tragedy when men don't wake up until it costs them everything, but it is often the only way they learn. When they are too defensive to hear our words, we are forced to communicate through our actions. Nothing blindsides a man more than when a woman does exactly what she warned him to his face about.
We are no longer available for these push-pull games.
Men don't change because we are suffering. They only change because they are suffering. They don't change until staying the same becomes more painful than healing. So helping them is no longer our job. You must stop judging their failures as a sign of your worth instead of theirs because abandoning them is how we help them. There is a universal plan for them that we cannot begin to comprehend, and it is futile to intervene. Especially because women no longer need men.
It used to be that women couldn't work and couldn't vote. We needed men to survive. Now, we only need a good dildo. Instead of needing men, we could want them anyway, but most of them seem incapable of rising to that challenge.
During this time of newfound freedom, women have tried for years to be everything. Wives, mothers, businesswomen, personal assistants, nurses, maids, cooks, friends, teachers, advisors, and therapists.
It's true that women can be everything. But that doesn't mean we should.
What men don't even know they know is that they want women who have relaxed into their feminine energy. Women who can do anything but spare themselves the burden. Along with this, they miss the fact that women can't relax into these more primal roles until men make them feel safe and secure enough to do so.
The truth is that men and women are wired differently. You can blame society and conditioning if you want, but even if you take that away, men and women are still biologically different. We're hormonally different. And hormones change how we as animals think, act, and feel. Whether you like it or not.
By nature, Women are nurturers, artists, and creators. Do not mistake my words because I'm not suggesting that all women are here to be mothers.
But we do all move in cycles with the moon, and our life force wavers like the tides. We are not built to work with unwavering reserves of energy like men are.
After a lifetime of trying to be and do it all, we must accept that we are not designed to work like men.
Now, it's their turn. Now, we want it all.
We want men who make us feel protected, provided for, and safe. Men who are strong but emotionally intelligent. Men who are expressive but disciplined. Men who are nurturing but discerning. Men who are playful but stoic. Men who are strong enough to be weak. The ones who know that being a man is not pretending to be strong and that owning your bullshit requires far more bravery. They respect women even when we're not in the room. Men who trust a woman's intuition and that we can see things they can't.
Our men need to be like the banks of a river, offering stability without controlling our course.
Women are vessels for creation; it is our birthright and how we contribute to society. Whether those creations are children, businesses, ideas, discoveries, inventions, or art. What he does for a living is of no consequence. What matters is whether he makes it easier instead of harder for you to attend to those creations. He contributes to society by contributing to you in the unique and varied ways each woman deems fit.
If you still haven't found this, then here is my challenge:
Spend a year forsaking men in favor of yourself.
Pour every drop of nurturing you have into your own cup.
Your job is not to cook for someone else but to nourish yourself.
Before you create a home for someone else, cultivate your own sanctuary.
Only then can you freely choose whether to do these things for others from a place of empowerment instead of obligation.
If and when you are ready to look for a partner again, here is my advice:
If you want a man, you have to be a woman—a woman who has reclaimed herself with so much force that it shocks everyone awake. Men who aren't ready get ready for the one they want, and the one they want is always someone who doesn't accept less.
So do not entertain anyone less than an equal. Someone you can trust to lead because they are just as aware, intelligent, thoughtful, perceptive, and capable as you. Not because they demand it of you.
These equals are rare.
And dating is hard.
Humans are only animals, after all, and despite what we wish, life is a competitive game. It's so competitive that women sometimes steal from each other. They siphon attention from partnered men because it makes them feel special. But these women are more pathetic than they are superior, and the only men these women deserve are the ones weak enough to fall for it. Men who betray worn down women who are worn down because of them are far from any prize, and so the best revenge is to let them have each other.
Winning this game does not mean competing with our sisters. It means inciting competition in men by weighing them against each other. You must start by keeping your options open, especially when your heart is invested in just one.
If you don't have options, then fabricate them. In shamanism, this is called a token reality. And while this strategy may feel manipulative, you also have to remember that we tried being accommodating good girls first, and temperance doesn't work on broken men. So if he doesn't have competition, and you can't find it, let him think he does.
You will need to sift through fat men who want supermodels, poor men who want sugar mommas, and children who want mommies. Do not be one of these hypocrites. Whatever you are looking for in a partner, you need to embody yourself. If you want someone hot, then love your body. If you want someone smart, then feed your brain. If you want someone rich, then see to your own wallet. You don't need to be a master in these things, but you do need to give them your full attention. No one is coming to deliver you to a better life. It's your job to save yourself. The most exquisitely authentic and covetable kind of love can only bloom when you depend on each other from a place of choice and not necessity.
While you're at it, open your mind to dating younger. I know that men who date younger women are such a pathetic cliche. They do it because younger women are more vibrant, carefree, and more susceptible to influence. It's true. But it's only true because they haven't had to suffer men for as many years as we have… yet. Find solace in knowing that no one is immune to the turning of time. Younger women rightfully want more mature men, but truly mature men don't chase younger women.
We can play the same game and play it better. Younger men who date above their age value maturity and aren’t threatened by wisdom. They treat women like peers instead of subordinates. They see how younger women are still naive and immature, and they don't mistake deference for femininity. These men want a partner who knows her worth and has lived enough to know who she is.
Next, practice giving men your problems instead of begging them for solutions. The most empowering thing you can do for a man is to let him solve things on his own. Instead of telling him to go hunting, tell him you're out of meat. Hand your concerns over to him and judge his potential on his competence. Men are natural problem solvers who will move mountains when they genuinely want to. So don't beg, don't plead. You can't measure a man until you let him show you who he is when no one tells him who to be. Only wounded women will keep begging for the same things. Healed women walk away.
Helping men always comes at a price, so do not date men who need your assistance, even if your particular brand of magic is exactly what he needs. He will never feel like an equal, and he will subconsciously punish you for it. He needs enough income to meet his own survival needs and enough awareness to fix his own mistakes. Very few men are adults, and adults can cook, clean, and fend for themselves regardless of gender. Whatever you are trying to earn by healing lost men, you are already deserving of it.
Also, be wary of polyamory. Yes, it is undoubtedly better to be honest about your desires for more than to cheat. A man who lies about being monogamous is far worse than one who tells the truth about being otherwise. But there are still very few who do non-monogamy right.
In the happiest of tribal communities, polyamory is a gift granted by the woman. It is only granted when she is so overflowing with happiness, confidence, and fulfillment in her marriage that she wants to share this happiness with others. Polyamory comes from a place of generosity and security instead of fear, insecurity, or ego, and that distinction makes all the difference.
Truthfully, surrendering to life with one partner is different than surrendering to life with more. It dilutes the risk, like jumping off a cliff with extra parachutes. And diluting risk poisons the spirit of intimacy. It dilutes the vulnerability and fear and the trust and faith and surrender that makes love life-affirming. Too many people choose this lifestyle because they fear the vulnerability that comes from connecting deeply to a single person. Too many others choose this life to prove their idealistic liberalism or to satisfy a partner while denying their true desires for commitment. Jealousy is not a problem to be overridden. It is your body begging you to listen to what it needs.
(This is just a metaphor. If you’re actually going skydiving, bring an extra parachute).
You can't find someone close to perfect until you accept that no one will be perfect. Give up on the idea of a soulmate because love is a choice, not a feeling. That mistaken surge of raw, predestined electricity is your trauma getting activated over emotionally unavailable men, thanks to our emotionally unavailable fathers. Instead, find someone with the same values, a compatible lifestyle, who is going in the same direction, and who can share the same goals.
Someone who makes you feel safe instead of excited. How well someone treats you matters more than how much someone loves you, and the right partner will make your life easier instead of harder.
When you do find this man, be ready and willing to jump in with both feet. Appreciate him. Respect the fuck out of him. Give yourself fully and completely for as long as it serves you, but never forget that your primary allegiance is to yourself. Save your unconditional love for babies and animals, and never lose sight of the exit. Loyal to the death when we are honored. Fickle to the bone when we are betrayed. If anyone can hold the tension between these two opposing forces, it has been and will always be women.
Good women do not use these strategies because we want to. We use them because we have to. We use them because we are here to do meaningful work, and we deserve help in doing so. We don't need men, but we can move farther and faster when we’re on the right team.
The world is waiting for us to remember our own power. If we can’t have knights then let us have swords.
